Forgive, Forget?
by information specialist
Summary: After the events of Gundam Seed Destiny, Cagali tries to peice her life back together. Athrun wonders if that life includes him anymore and where they stand. They both made mistakes but was more to blame? Does it even matter? Dedicated to all Cagali fans.
1. Chapter 1

**Forgive…Forget?**

**Prologue:**

Nighttime is Cagali's sanctuary in hell. It's when she is free from others to truly appreciate how utterly miserable her life was. She had no one, and the thought was so painful. Sometimes she tried to pretend that this is how it always was, that she was used to it. It made the matter easier to deal with, imagining that it has always been this way. And to some extent, it was true. A loner with a busy father, most of her time was spent alone. When she did see her father they always fought over politics. But that had never bothered her. Never idle, loneliness was a strange feeling to her. So was bitterness. Recalling, she was much friendlier back then than now. Sure she always had a temper, but it was a result of her passionate nature. Lying, whether to herself or others was not in her. She wore her heart on her sleeve, it was there for everyone to see and share. Unfortunately, it was also there for everyone to break. Her first true friend had been Ahmed. They just hit it off and had so much fun together, considering it was wartime. He had died, and only later did she find out that he had been in love with her. She easily made friends with Kira, even though they fought at first. There was also an instant connection there; it turned out he was her brother. Then there was Athrun, the unbelievably nice soldier. Seeing him again, after they met on the island, was unlikely. But when she did, he had killed Kira, who at the time had become her favorite person. Again, her passionate nature screamed at him, then forgave him wholeheartedly, it was the only option possible to her. By that time she had completely embraced her father's ideals, and hate, for whatever reason, simply was never in her nature. Then, they became a couple.

It was ridiculously ironic. The war had given her a friend, a brother, and a soul mate. It had taken her beloved father, and while that almost killed her, she still had enough spirit to feel optimistic. Then the vicious flame of war sparked again. And now she was left with nothing. Those dear to her were lost; either dead, or by distance, physical and emotional. It was the emotional that tore at her. If she wanted, she could take a shuttle and see her friends at any moment. But there was no shuttle that could reach Athrun's heart. And no matter what the others said, Cagali was the one left behind. He was Kira's best friend, and had been Lacus's fiancée. The trio's relationship was well established long before she even met any of them. She liked Lacus, but they never got to know each other enough to be called close friends. Kira was her brother, and they were friends before, but how could she compare to Athrun. Their's was a friendship that had survived being on opposite sides of a war and killing each other's friends. But she couldn't even make time to see Kira when she became representative. And Athrun…

Cagali poured herself a large amount of liquor from the bottle on the table and sat down at the chair. She finished her glass in one gulp. It was tradition after all; she never could bear to think about him while sober. Even drunk she wasn't sure she could. And there was the proof. Her eyes were already misty and she made it a point to finish the entire bottle of liquor before she started to remember him. Thankfully, by that time, she was too drunk to think properly and settled for crying herself to sleep at the table. But by now, her body had built endurance to the fiery liquid; it didn't work as strongly as when she first started drinking. Still, she refused to consume any more of it, knowing that it would affect her work next morning if she did. Sighing pitifully, misery was finally allowed free reign. Of course, no misery would be complete without music to remind you of what you had, hence, what you lost. She turned on the player at the table. It had a collection of some of her favorite songs, a gift from Kira and Lacus for her seventeenth birthday. The couple had said the songs reminded them of her and Athrun. As "This I Promise You" an ancient song she first heard on an antique CD started playing, she bitterly thought that it didn't apply to her 'relationship' with him anymore.

_When the visions around you, bring tears to your eyes _

She remembered coming back to Orb, how it was destroyed after the last war

_And all that surrounds you are secrets and lies._

She was appointed leader with the speed of light. And everyone tried to gain her favor, all liars, and hypocrites.

_I'll be your strength, I'll give you hope, keeping your faith when its gone_

He had stood by her, offering silent strength

_The one you should call, whose standing near all and all_

Always by her side…

_And I will take you in my arms, and hold you right where you belong_

_Till the day my life is through, this I promise you, I promise you_

He was there when they offered her the job of representative, comforted her and encouraged her

_I loved you forever, in lifetimes before_

Had told her that he thought he fell in love with her when he first met her

_And I promise you never will you hurt anymore_

He made her cherish her fathers memory, with a smile.

_I give you my word, I give you my heart, this is a battle we've won._

"We made it through the war together, we can make it through anything. "

_And with this vow, forever has now begun_

"Ill protect you"

_Just close your eyes, each loving gaze, I know this feeling won't go away._

He had said he'll stay by me, that's why he became my bodyguard.

_Till the day my life is through, this I promise you, I promise you_

Liar

_Over and over I fall, when I hear you call, without you in my life baby, I just wouldn't be living at all_

Liar

_And I will take you in my arms and hold you right where you belong_

Cagali remembered his warmth, his kindness

_Till the day my life is through, this I promise you baby_

Tears pooled into her eyes. LIAR! She threw the bottle and it shattered on the floor.

_Just close your eyes each loving gaze, I know this feeling won't go away_

She sat down at the table, and cried, her hands buried in her hair, tugging, willing for the pain to go away

_Till the day my life is through, this I promise you_

She couldn't help it. His name escaped her lips in an anguished cry.

_Oh I promise you…_

And her head lowered to the table as she cried herself into oblivion.

Kisaka unlocked the door with his personal key when he heard the music stop. He found her as usual, face covered with tears that had only begun to dry. Sadly, he stroked her head affectionately, then carried her to her room via the conjoined door. The room had belonged to Athrun during his time as her bodyguard. After she had once been attacked in her sleep, he had insisted that a door be built in the wall which separated their two rooms, in case of emergencies. After Cagali's return as representative, she kept the room as it was, except for adding a small bar. He found out why soon enough. The first time it happened, Kisaka had come into her room to give her some papers that she had to read for the next day. He almost panicked when he didn't find her, and suddenly thought to search the adjoining room. He found her drinking there. He was enraged and a huge fight had followed, which ended in her throwing a bottle at him, pushing him out as he ducked for cover and locked the door. Next morning, she called him to her office and explained that this was something she only did once every couple of months.

"It's not an addiction; it's just that...I never have time to myself, just you know, to think about things. Actually, I'm thankful for that, because if I had time, I would probably do this every night. You always tell me I work too hard, well this is why. As long as I have something to do, something else to think about then…

_You don't have to think about __**him**__, he thought._

"So I do this once in a while just to clear my head. The drink just helps me out that's all."

_Or numbs your head so you can't hurt as much._

He had smiled to let her know that he understood, and had later made it a habit to listen on the days she did this, and carry her back to her bed.

Sighing ruefully, he placed her on her bed and smoothed her hair away from her face. The tears flowed more freely down her cheeks; how she managed to cry in her sleep will always be a mystery him, and he could see her lips move soundlessly to form a word. He shook his head, covered her, and then left the room.

He wasn't who she needed, or wanted, but he will stay by her side. There was no one else.

_The song "This I promise You" belongs to N'SYNC._


	2. Chapter 2

**Athrun: "Memory"**

_This may never start  
We could fall apart  
And I'd be your memory_

_**(Memory by Sugarcult)**_

_CACACACACACACACACACACAACACACACACACACACACACACAC_

Athrun could see the earth from his position in the one of the Archangel's hallways. This particular hallway held many fond memories of him and Cagali.

That same girl, _no, woman,_ who had brought him so much peace was now the reason for his melancholy.

It was after the final battle with Dulandill. Cagali had contacted the Archangel and the Eternal several times. First, she wanted to be sure that they were all right; and to ask them to remain in the area a bit longer as a matter of precaution. She then talked privately with Lacus to discuss arranging a meeting with Zaft to discuss a peace agreement. The third time she contacted them, her call had lasted longer. The meeting had been arranged and she made use of what little time she had to thank them for their hard work and let them know that she was eager to welcome them home. She had asked that all individuals on both ship be present because she wanted to see them to thank them personally and lift their spirits. But when Kira pushed Athrun in front of the vidcom, all she to him was 'hi' before she turned to address the whole crew. She reiterated her request that they stay in space as a matter of caution until after a treaty for peace was signed. They were also to act if any of the forces continued to try to engage in battles. After that, she excused herself and logged off.

Her slight had been too obvious not to be noticed. Most of the ship gave him sympathetic glances but didn't say anything. Except for Commander Mu la Flaga (who had regained his memory) he had stated, "Hey, if all you're getting is the cold shoulder, you should be thankful. You left the representative's employment, by your own free will, and joined the enemy. You even engaged in battle against her and her troops. You're lucky you're not getting the death sentence." The statement was uttered in the form of a joke, but held a serious undertone. "It's good that she regained power and is back to her willful self or the least the Parliament could do is give you a life sentence in prison."

"Mwu-san! "Kira had chided, but no one could deny the truth of his words, most of all Athrun.

Silently, he had left the bridge and come here, to this hallway, which had served his solitude many times before. Here, she had offered him comfort when he was upset about his father. That had been the first time he had hugged her. It was also in this same hallway that they had shared their first kiss. Funnily enough, he hadn't planned to do either, rather both shows of affection had come as spontaneous reactions from the normally reserved and stoic young man. _I couldn't help it. She was just so adorable. I can describe her in a hundred ways but I think this is the most fitting. When I think about her I remember her blush, her anger, her passion, her kindness. And it's all wrapped up into one adorable package. The day we first met, I knew in the back of my head that I would never forget her…_

*flashback*

She was agile and quick like a fighter, but had a mysterious air about her, never hinting at who she was. This secretiveness was contrasted by her uninhibited open nature. She had looked like a kid standing in the rain. _It took me by complete surprise when, a second later, she lifted her shirt to get the crab out, and a woman's figure was revealed. _

_I was embarrassed when I found myself looking at her. I turned away trying to understand why that glimpse flustered me._ He had thought of Lacus, having seen more cleavage in some of the dresses she wore, and some of her skirts were tastefully short, but nothing affected him the way that girl did.

Maybe it was because Lacus was a renowned beauty and so obviously feminine. But this girl whom he thought was a boy at first, was a diamond in the rough. He had wondered what she would look like in a dress.

Banishing the idle thought from his mind, He found a small cave and invited her to take shelter in it from the storm. _She was surprised but joined me with an honest thank you. _Once inside, he started unpacking his kit. He felt rather than saw how chilled she was. The cave was cool and a breeze was coming from its entrance. He had been only slightly damp but that breeze felt like ice when it hit me, even though he was coordinator. Glancing up from where he was sitting in his kit, he looked at her and saw that she was trying very hard not to shiver. Inwardly, he smiled slightly, thinking that however amusing she was she had the personality of a warrior and didn't want to show any weaknesses. _Or maybe it was just pride, _he mused, in afterthought.

He got out a lighter and started a fire using the dry wood that was scattered in the cave, then offered her a blanket.

"Put your clothes out to dry. You can warm yourself with this until then." Cover yourself was what he meant and she looked at him expectantly.

He had turned around and walked to the far side of the cave and stood there until she said she was done. _I was struck by how vulnerable she looked sitting there huddled on the floor._ Returning to his bag, which was in the opposite direction of the place she had chosen to sit in, he got out the emergency provisions, automatically gave her a share, which she reluctantly accepted. _I guess she was thinking about why an enemy would help her. To be honest, I was thinking the same thing. This girl had shot at me, actually got me in the shoulder, And here I was giving her a blanket and food. I didn't even know who she was. She said she wasn't with the Earth Alliance Forces. I didn't find an ID to prove otherwise, but that should not have made a difference. She could be lying. Trying to justify my behavior, I rationalized that the reason I didn't kill her wasn't because she was a girl. Honestly, I didn't feel any desire on her part kill me. She had several chances. She was on higher ground and had seen me first. She could have gotten me then but only hit my shoulder. At the time, there was no doubt in my mind that she wanted to kill me. I explained away the fact that she only got my shoulder as her being a bad shot. But now I reevaluated and although she certainly had the gait and demeanor of a soldier, she was certainly no killer. I could now understand why she did what I though was the stupidest thing a soldier could do: she went for my gun instead of chasing me to finish me off. I was unarmed and could have been killed but she was more intent on acquiring my gun. This told me her goal was to protect herself rather than kill me. This thought led me to another: one of the basic trainings of warfare is that the best way to protect yourself is to destroy your enemy. _He had glanced at her._ She should know that if she was a soldier. If not then, is she a mercenary? If so, then she was very ill suited for the job._

All these thoughts had gone through his mind in less than a minute. She gave him a reproachful glance and said, "What are you doing, if the situation reversed you'd look like a fool."

He had burst out laughing. He couldn't help it. _The girl is priceless, _he remembered thinking. She flushed and demanded to know what was funny. He then sobered, thinking that she was certainly stubborn, while simultaneously being surprised by how comfortable he felt being with her. Though her manner was brisk and unrelenting, he was completely at ease; she was so honest; there wasn't a hint of deviousness in her manner.

But he made sure to set her straight. S_he amused me, but I didn't want her to think I wasn't going to be cautious. I told her seriously to not think about it because I would have to kill her. I had some doubts as to whether I would actually do so, but I didn't leave any doubt in her mind about my seriousness. I didn't want a situation to come up where I would have to find out._

Before he knew it, sleep started to overtake him. Their discussion of the war had worn him down, and entering the atmosphere so quickly had made him dizzy. _To be fair, she told me I shouldn't but I couldn't help it. I got lax and the inevitable confrontation happened. I faced her with my knife praying that my assessment was true and she didn't want to kill me. Luckily, I was right. __S__he cursed and started to throw the gun away, I dived at her to try and take it but I was too late._ They both went down as a shot went off. His side hurt and he couldn't remember the last time he felt so annoyed. He yelled at her for being so reckless, and she apologized in shock.

Fuming, he went to gather his medical kit. _I thought this person shot me twice in one day. If she were a man she'd be dead by now._

When she realizing he had gotten hurt, she insisted on being the one to dress the wound. They struggled a bit with the bag, until she pulled it out of his hands, hugged it to her chest and cried out:

"Just let me do it. Unless you let me do something how can I pay back all your favors?"

_I was too angry at her actions before and had avoided her eyes, but the earnestness in her voice made me finally look at her-- she was in tears. I thought that she was certainly placing a lot of importance on the simple act of bandaging me up._ _She said it was a way to repay me but I realized she was also trying to tell me that she was sorry. I wavered. She looked so guilty and apologetic, and it was a trivial thing. I thought I can swallow my pride if it makes her feel like she was giving me something back._ Her last passionate comment cinched it:

"It's the least I can do!"

Athrun remembered how he had blinked at the vision she made at that moment. The campfire danced in her amber eyes and reflected gold off her hair in the dark cave. _This amateur soldier was as naturally alluring as a temptress, and the fact was made more enticing because she had absolutely no idea. Which is why I felt guilty when I realized my gaze was forcibly traveling down her face to her stunning figure; wanting to take in her full glory. I turned away quickly. _

"Okay, but first would you mind wearing some clothes?" _She was too beautiful, and I was too intrigued to ignore her manner of dress; or rather undress. _

_I heard her fall to the floor in embarrassment, and could imagine her blush since I've already seen it twice. _

"I think your clothes are dry by now," he had told her.

After she was fully clothed, however, she regained some of her confidence and only the faintest blush came as she wound the bandage around his torso. She was meticulous in her task and quite competent.

"You've done this before haven't you?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Mm," she said by way of answer. _There was that mysteriousness again. I remember thinking, perhaps she's a volunteer nurse at one of the frontiers? But how many nurses can fly a sky grasper?_ _I don't know why I cared, but as she bandaged me with immense concentration, I couldn't keep my eyes off her. _

"There, all done," she had said, standing up.

"Thanks," Athrun replied, watching her smile in satisfaction. She went back to sit in her corner, yawning at times, sneezing at others. Finally she put her head on her knees and slept, as if she was used to sleeping in that position

Knowing how easily naturals could get sick, he had stayed awake as long as he could to keep the fire going for her.

His distress signal was finally answered at dawn.

.

As they agreed to part ways to avoid a battle, he gazed at her, starting to feel guilty about letting her go so easily. After all she could have been lying. Maybe she really was an enemy.

"Bye," she said. She was the most engaging (not to mention the most impetuous) enemy he'd ever meet.

"You swear you're not with the earth forces?" He asked once more, as much as for the sake of duty, as to satisfy his own curiosity.

"I'm not," she replied firmly.

_They're not even soldiers_, he had thought, thinking that she was the same as Kira. _Then why do they fight? _

"I'm Cagali. What's your name?"

_I was glad I had a name to put to the face of this person, And seeing no reason to not tell her, I give her mine. _

"Athrun," she nodded and left.

Athrun sighed at the memory. He looked out the window into deep space as his hand went to hold the stone hidden by his shirt which she had given him. _I didn't think we'd ever meet again. And definitely not under those circumstances, after I thought I had killed Kira. But she had forgiven me; given me this stone to protect me. _

That seemed like a lifetime ago; before she became representative, before he left her to join Zaft, and before he finally got enough sense to come back to them. Reunited, they had both apologized for what happened.

He had come back, but now, she could barely look at him. She had apologized, and so had he, but that hadn't been enough.

_What will happen this time? _

_CACACACACACACACACACACAACACACACACACACACACACACAC_

_Lost your sense of fear_

_Feelings insincere_

_Can I be your memory?_

_So get back, back, back to where we lasted  
Just like I imagined  
I could never feel this way  
So get back, back, back to the disaster  
My hearts beating faster  
Holding on to feel the same._

_**(Memory by Sugarcult)**_

**Author's Note:**

**I got the idea of chapter themes based on songs from Lady Kogawolf. Thank you so much. Cagali, more than any other characters has so many songs fitting her situations and I just couldn't get them out of my head. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Lost Souls**

_Hey_

_Stay with me._

_As I'm getting naked_

_Stripped down to the bone._

_Hey_

_I'm afraid, this could get ugly_

_And I might leave here alone._

_**(End of Me, by Marion Raven)**_

_CACACACACACACACACACACAACACACACACACACACACACACAC_

_After the first war, for a long time, they were all just lost._

Kira was in a catatonic state for months. His mother came to see him and decided to keep him in a quiet place where he might be able to recuperate. Lacus suggested they all stay at the Reverend's orphanage. Cagali had wanted to take him home with her, but recognized his need for peace and knew he wouldn't get any in her mansion. There were politicians swarming in every corner trying to pick up the pieces; she herself would have hid away in the orphanage if she could. Athrun had no idea what he would do. When Cagali was summoned to take her father's place in the House of Representatives, the news came as a shock to everyone. It shouldn't have, but it did. At the time, she was spending all her time either at home, helping the government re-establish itself, or visiting civilians, making lists of their needs and making sure food and supplies were delivered in a timely fashion. When told that the first meeting of the new government was to be held, and that she was required to attend, she went, eager to help and tell them of what had to be done for the people. But she was also understandably nervous and more than a bit sad at having to take her dear father's place. Athrun had driven her to the main government's building and waited for her outside. The meeting took three hours and by the time she left, her face was ashen. Wordlessly, she got into the car her and she sat down. While driving, Athrun saw her hands twitching and shaking in her lap, and she clasped them together in a vain attempt to still them.

He remained silent, not knowing what to say; wondering what went on at the meeting.

When they arrived at her house, he led her into her room before shutting the door behind them and just held her tight. The shaking had branched into her whole body now and she was almost hyperventilating. He held her tighter, one hand holding her head into his shoulder, running his fingers through her hair, the other stoking her back reassuringly. Finally, she took a deep breath, and hugged him back.

"Thank you," she said, gratefully. He smiled before leading her to a couch.

"Now, what happened?"

"The country's in chaos. People are all frightened; they can't believe that the war is over and there is so much that needs to be rebuilt."

"Well, that is to be expected. What else," he gently prodded. Looking away, she started playing with her hands again.

"They want me to become Head Representative."

"What?" Athrun had not seen this coming.

"They say that because I fought in the war, I know the most about the situation now and am therefore in the best position to fix it. Also, the other families are still quarreling about who they will elect to represent them in the council. Until then, the government needs a more permanent leader, and I'm it. They say that I'm the only member whose attendance is non-negotiable. Since I'm the only one left of the Atha family, I'm the mandatory representative. But for the others, they have to come to agreement. And because my father was the head representative, and no one has any idea what is going on now, I'm it."

"Have you agreed?"

"I told them I'll let them know tomorrow. Until then, I agreed to be acting head representative and gave them instructions on what to do until then. Everything is a mess," she sighed, then fixed him with a thoughtful gaze. "What will you do, Athrun?"

"I don't know. I heard that the Plants council is rounding up all the soldiers. Some leaders are unhappy about having lost the war and they want to punish them. Others are horrified at information they received that senseless killing was involved. There was a rumor that they are convicting soldiers for both war crimes and treason."

"Oh no!"

"It's just a rumor."

"You can't go back now! Not until you are sure."

"Hmm," Athrun looked at her beautiful face, unnaturally pale with dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. He knew she had been going non-stop since they arrived in Orb, from shelters, to hospitals, to the government, letting it know what the people needed, her bossy nature working overdrive to get done what needs to be done. And he had no doubt she was doing an excellent job. _But to be Head Representative? In these times? With her uninhibited nature and sincere eyes? With her brash manner?_ He worried for her. She would be in for a rude awakening if she acted the same way in a politicians meeting that she did on the battlefield. They were two different things.

"Do you want to do it, Cagali?" and she gave a sudden shiver, rubbing her arms to warm herself.

"It's not that I really want to, but I'm sort of already doing it. I don't imagine things will be much different from now. It certainly can't get any worse." T_hat's true, _Athrun thought,_ what can be worse than a war where an entire alliance was wiped out with a super powerful weapon, and a neutral country had to blow its own military up to prevent it's power from being misused?_ And he had decided.

"You're right. You are already acting like one, so why not make it official?" She looked at him with worried eyes.

"But what about you, Athrun?" And he could see the fear there. Even though she kept a brave front, she was nervous. Naturally about her new position, but mostly, he knew she was worried about losing him.

"Well, I think as Representative, you will need some bodyguards, right? If you are willing to accept, I would like to offer my services." She had jumped at him in delight and he had kissed her softly until, breathless, her cheeks turned red. Then he had given her another hug and said, "I did promise I'd protect you."

_They had been so happy, so hopeful. They had no idea what the future held for them…_

_CACACACACACACACACACACAACACACACACACACACACACACAC_

_This is not a mistake_

_It's the dawn of a new day_

_Everything goes from now_

_**(End of Me, by Marion Raven)**_


End file.
